i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
