booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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