Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.