I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
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She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
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I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.