Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
