dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
