Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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