The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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