Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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