Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Randomize
