Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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