I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
