Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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