Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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