Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
