Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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