sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
