Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
