dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
