she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
