quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
