Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
