Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
