he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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