And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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