Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
