I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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