then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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