If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
