Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i need some magic done to my vagina
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
