The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You smell like stripper and shame
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
should my penis look like a turkey
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
