Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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