don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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