On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
