Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
