I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
