You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i love accidental penises.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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