Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
