my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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