my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
They took my balls.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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