He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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