My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
