Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
