He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
