my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We had sex on a dog bed..
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
