i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
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I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
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I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.