closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
