Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
