my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
