I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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