Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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