Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
