Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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