Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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