I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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