Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
