I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
