why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Life is so much better after having sex.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
